Balancing our collective grief with my personal despair in response to anti-trans violence

Since 2013, I have reported on the violent deaths of at least 365 transgender, nonbinary, and gender nonconforming peoplem with such grief. I’ve also reported on the deaths of members of my LGBTQ community in Pittsburgh, members of my own family, and friends. More grief.

All in all, there are over 430 posts in the In Memoriam category. That is a lot of loss to absorb.

This year has been especially hard because one of those people was a friend of mine, Elisa Rae Shupe. And while I have had some success agitating for more information about her death, it doesn’t offset the despair and guilt I feel that I wasn’t a better friend. It is survivor’s guilt.

That’s not a good train of thought. One might say it is a red flag. Now I want to assure you that I have a lot of mental health supports — I take my meds, go to therapy 3x week, regularly talk this stuff through with my most stalwart friends. I do the work. I am safe and supported. I was on the phone today with a friend who is also a therapist for about two hours talking through these issues.

But I am grieving so deeply right now.

It feels like each story is so incredibly heartbreaking in its own unique way (Tolstoy) and I’m having trouble letting go after I write the memorial post. Then I’m reminded of other posts that struck me in a certain way, especially when the deceased’s trans identity is erased. Or when…